Alittle Busy...A Good Thing

I've been somewhat busy lately.  Had a few request for some lawn decorations.  I mostly make them out of plywood...cut out the pattern, prime, paint and they're ready for display.  Mostly my neighbors are wanting them so I don't charge much...a few bucks over my cost is all.  Don't like to make a big profit from my neighbors...you do for each other is the way I see it.  Folks do want some crazy stuff it decorate their lawn with though.  Evil looking little gnomes peeing on cute little squirrels, guns with a warning sign to "beware of owner" and mischievous kids with a sign saying "Beware Of Kids". 
Folks down south have a different way of expressing their opinion which is fine with me, just it's different then what I'm use to up north. 
Anyway, cost of meds has made me miss some doses which is always a bad thing!  For the first time since I've moved down south, I was unable to make it to the local store to buy a few things.  It hurt...alot.  I've been scared of even trying to go now in fear of not being able to make it and suffering that hurt again.  I know I'll kick myself and just go and do it but in the meantime I've been beating myself up over the one failed attempt.  I know better then to do that, but fortunately, I'll get over it shortly and be back to normal. 
I must find a suitable drug program so I can get back on my meds regularly and not worry about cost.  It can be extremely frustrating but worth it if in the end I can get on a program I can afford.  Until then, I must do my best and try not to worry too much about it.  As a matter of fact, I think I'll make an attempt to go to the store today.  Just get a few things to prove to myself that I just had alittle glitch and I can still make it to the store without too much anxiety. 
In the meantime, I'll keep trying to make my lawn decorations and sell them to make a few bucks, helps pay for the meds anyway. Also, it feels good to EARN some money while I wait for that monthly check from social security.  I'll never feel good about getting a check that I didn't work for...it's not like winning the lottery or a sweepstakes...collecting a check from the government has never sat well with me.  Anyway, it's just nice to earn some cash on my own. 
Whew!!!  I really felt a rant coming on there for a moment going on about getting a check over earning a check...I suppose one of these days I'll jump on my soap box and give an all out rant on the topic, but today I must go work on a few more lawn decorations.  That is a good thing.

Nuttin Much

So haven't really been doing too much lately.  Been doing so wood carving, but I goofed big time!!  I noticed my tools were pretty dull and so I tried to sharpen them myself.  Bad, bad idea!  I used my dremel which apparently is like trying to sharpen them by through them against a brick wall.  So, they are duller then I started out with and completely useless to me now.  We didn't I just call my dad and ask him before I did it?  Was it my pride, independence?  No, it was simply lazy, stupidity. 
Fortunately, dad will rescue me from myself and even try to fix the wrong I've done.  Assuming I have not completely destroyed my tools, he is going to send me a Lansky sharpener.  He has not ever used it by says he knows people who swear by the sharpener.  I watched a video online on how to use the Lansky sharpener and it seems to be idiot-proof.  Which means there is a slight chance I'll be able to figure it out.
Now don't think I'm putting myself down or being to hard on myself.  I consider myself lucky that I'm able to laugh at myself and recognize my faults and mistakes and hopefully learn from them.  Although I must admit sometimes I make the same mistake more then once, but I do eventually figure it out.  So, this may be a costly mistake if I did in fact ruin my tools as I attempted to sharpen almost all of them.  I reckon my chisels will survive my blunder but I'm not so sure about my knife set.  I can barely afford my medication every month so I can ill afford a new knife set.  I am very disappointed to say the least.
Anyway, my little slice of haven here in NC was spared the awful twisters that devastated other parts of this beautiful state.  While I was outside cooking on the grill, other parts of NC, some as close as ten minutes from me, were getting completely destroyed by tornados, ripping apart homes and killing people.  I'm very sadden by this and so wish I could help those who were hurt by the storms.  I seriously doubt we will see any telethons trying raise money for those who lost so very much.  Although I must say Red Cross and FEMA were on the scene immediately to start helping folks.  You never give much thought (donations) to those organizations until you need...depend on them.  I for one will donate whatever I can spare because I am certainly guilty hearing their pleas for donations but not listening to them.  Shame on me.  I don't say that lightly, I truly feel terrible that I've not made any donation to such organizations that are such life savers to so many people. 
Well, enough of my pity bambling, I'm off to finish my house chores.  Although I much rather be carving!!

Nothing So Boring As Agoraphobia

Keeping track of my daily activities, I find that my live is really quite boring.  I read ALOT, watch very little T.V., I play with my dogs and take them outside to romp around the yard and I eat.  I spend the least amount of time eating and watching T.V. and most of the time reading and playing with my dogs. 
So, how to add alittle heart racing activity into my life?  NOOO!!!  Don't say it!!!!  I must... I should be challenging my "safe zone".  Get out and try facing my fear!  Practice my slow, controlled breathing.  That's what I should be doing and there is not one reason for not doing these things!!!  No excuse for not making it a daily practice to go out alittle further everyday.  Make the brain learn the difference between fake fear and the real thing.  It will only learn this through constant exposure to the fake fear.  No magic pill is going to make the brain learn this, only I can teach my brain to see the fears that are fake. 
Sure, there are drugs that can help calm the brain a bit during these lessons but ultimately the brain must experience the fear and recognize that it's nothing but an illusion, misinterpretation of reality.  Whether the fear was learned as a child or through some terrible experience, the brain must be made to realize that there is actually little to fear in the daily life of the average person.  Sure there are dangers in the world but those are probably not the dangers the brain is worried about with agoraphobics.
My biggest enemy is my "fight or flight response system".  It's my nemesis, it taunts me.  The fight or flight response which is there to protect me from danger has turned against me.  It perceives me as the danger, my mind, my thoughts are what is dangerous to me.  Sure my fight or flight response works when say I'm faced with perhaps a mean stray dog, turns on the adrenaline, but it's not the all out fight or flight response I get when simply trying to go to the store. 
People without a true phobia simply can not understand or appreciate the level of fear experienced by phobics or the difficulty in teaching the natural human response, the fight or flight system to work the way it should, for us not against us.  They can't appreciate something they can't see...it's not a heart or lung, an organ that can be held and dissected.  Yeah, you can dissect the brain but there won't be a fight or flight system they can grasp onto and see the abnormality.
Anyway, how do I fight against a natural human response that has developed throughout the history of human life?  How do I teach it to work for me instead of against me?  Guess it goes back to teaching the brain to recognize fake fears. 

Off Topic Rant

I'm going completely off topic here for a moment.  I seriously need to vent about uncaring pet owners.  Pets bring such great pleasures to people's lives and I simply don't understand why some people get pets so they can ignore them.  If you don't want to clean up after an animal, walk it daily, groom it weekly, feed it daily, take it to the vet for check ups and shots they don't get a pet!  If your not willing to do even just one of those things then you shouldn't own a pet.  Simply as that!
Folks like my neighbor who get a beautiful puppy, I suppose for their 5 kids to play with, is a perfect example of someone who shouldn't own a pet.  As if 5 young kids isn't enough to take care of, they get a puppy.  The puppy was probably cute for a few days and like the other toys they get bored of, get discarded away in the yard.  So, here's this little puppy, no collar, not tied up, just roaming around the yard trying to keep itself amused. 
The puppy seems well fed, but there is more then just feeding needed for a animal to develop into a loving, happy pet.  So, as the puppy gets alittle older it inevitably starts to wonder into the neighbor's yards. Neighbors who have their own dogs either tied up or behind fences.  Me...I don't have a fenced in yard and I don't tie my dogs out.  They are small dogs and I like to spend time with them outside.  I take my dogs, off leash into my yard so they can run around and play and do their business.  Puppy sees some new playmates and wonders over to play.  The puppy being at least double the size of my adult dogs were a bit scared but got use to the puppy and they play for awhile.  But, my dogs need their own time to tend to their business and they can't do that with a puppy jumping on them and constantly wanting to play.  Mend you, I understand the puppy's need for socializing and playing with other dogs and people...I totally get that.  But, ulitmately it's not my dog to tend to and it's not my responsibility to take care of this puppy. 
I've never said anything to the small children in regards to the puppy being at my house all the time but I guess the kids don't want the puppy playing with my dogs or maybe the parents told them to keep the puppy in the yard.  Of course no one told the kids how to keep the dog in their own yard so the do what kids do.  They put a kitty collar on the puppy which I ended up cutting off because it was strangling the pup.  I honestly don't know how they even got this collar on the dog...it was insane tight. So, the next day, I guess the kids found a rusty chain in a swamp (at least that's what it smelled like) and tied that around the dogs next.  Now this chain was all of maybe 4 feet long.  The kids tied it to a tree branch which gave this puppy just enough room to sit but nothing else.  Of course the next day when the puppy came running into my yard to play with my dogs dragging this nasty chain around it's neck, I once again removed it and threw it away. 
The last straw for me was two or three days later, when these small kids, oldest one not being more then maybe 8 years old, were all outside playing and again the puppy came running to my house to play with my dogs.  They tried calling the puppy which didn't work.  After my dogs finished their business, I put them back in the house.  The kids got the puppy, tied a short rope around it's neck and then tied it to the highest branch they could reach.  They then repeatedly kicked the puppy and punched it in the head.  This I could not take, I would not take. 
After finding out that animal control had no officers working on weekends, and a police department that consists of a total of three officers, which none were currently on duty, I called the sheriff's department.  The sheriff found that the two feet of rope was all the puppy really needed to get by and the kids being home alone wasn't a real concern, so he left, doing nothing to aid the puppy or the kids for that matter. 
I am disgusted beyond belief!!!!  How can two feet of rope, which doesn't allow enough for the puppy to lie down, no shelter and no water bowl be consider sufficent?  Despite my hopes and prayers that the sheriff would be a loving pet owner himself didn't happen, I would have hoped that an educated person would see the situtation for what it was and clarify to these kids what they were doing wrong.  This didn't happen, so I guess my only hope for this puppy is to wait until Monday for animal control to open and see if they can help these pup. 
For now, I can only hope that I might find one of those underground groups that aids abused women and children except the do it for animals.  Come in the dark of night and snatch up poor unloved, mistreated animals and find loving homes for them.  While unwanted, abused animals is an epidemic in this country, I suspected finding such an organization that removes animals from their tormentors my not exist beyond the local animal control. 
Well, instead of feeling better after my rant, I actually feel worse.  I guess for the time being, all I can do is offer the puppy (which by the way, the kids have yet to name) alittle love and a treat no and then.  What more can I do?  I truly feel helpless.

Better In Time For The Good Weather

Yes, yes...my cold is finally gone.  Hooray!  The weather is absolutely beautiful...high 80s and lovin every bit of it.  I hear that the northeast got some snow or at least flurries.  So, you wonder if I miss the northeast, my old neighborhood?  Not one bit!!!  I'll have my deck by the end of next month, my outdoor fireplace (portable fireplace?) and next the pool.  Life is good. 
Not that I'm trying to make my housebound too good to leave but a few hard earned luxeries (regardless of how small) is just a way to enjoy life despite my situtation.  Be happy and focus on the good stuff is a step in the direction of recovery, right?  I will not dwell on life's drama, hardships and annoyances, but bathe in the little things that give me pleasure.
OK...my life is not peaches and cream, I get pissed, frustrated, annoyed, sad and bored, but I do my very best to give as little energy as possible to those irks.  I rarely stay pissed off at anyone or anything for more the ten minutes.  I've learned to walk away when I get frustrated while working on a project, whatever it might be.  Best way to ruin something your working on is by working on it when you get frustrated. Walk away.  I try to recognize boredom and or sadness as soon as possible to force myself to divert my attention to something else.  Brush the dogs or play with them, clean something, read, anything to direct my energy somewhere else. 
Forcing myself to do things I don't want to deal with might seem like a bad thing for me to do.  I mean dealing with my fears is something I don't want to do, don't want to face but in the end facing these fears will ulitmately feel really good, a sense of accomplishment, a feeling of being normal...and normal is a good thing, at least for me it is. 
So, having something to look forward to, without any anxiety is totally awesome.  I look forward to my new deck.  I'll invite neighbors over for a BBQ, talk shit and have some real good times.  Maybe get some friends from the northeast to come for a visit and have a real blast.  Hell, I might even invite some relatives over for some outstanding barbeque and probably have a good time.  If not, then at least I know that they'll go home and I'll still have my deck, my dogs, my outdoor fireplace and a good book.
I'm out!

The Cold Continues

Yup, still have my cold...sux.  I've been reading more then usual being that I'm spending so much time in bed.  I just love a good horror book.  Don't have any special author I like over others, but I do tend to read alot of the same authors because of the genre I like to read.  I want to be scared to death, afraid to sleep, afraid to turn off the lights, afraid of every little sound in the dark. 
If your thinking that I'm this goth kind of dark person....I'm not.  Not that there is anything wrong with those folks who are into the whole dark, goth kind of look...just not for me.  I'm also not into the gore factor.  Gore doesn't make a story scary!  I so wish filmmakers would understand that.  Gore can certainly be part of the story, but it will never be a cause to scare me. 
You might think that one with a phobia such as myself would not like being scared.  Not true.  It's the "kind" of scare that I don't like.  Like... I would be scared if I was being stalked by some creepy serial killer, but I wouldn't if I was reading a book where that was part of the story. 
What scares me about agoraphobia, going outside my comfort zone?  Guess, I'm like everyone else with agoraphobia, afraid of panic attacks.  My shrink would love to take that reason further.  What is it about panic attacks that make you scared?  The feelings my body and mind experience during a panic attack scare me.  Well, what do you feel that is scary?  Feeling like I'm going to faint, piss myself, throw up, pounding heart, muscles so tight they tremble from the adrenaline.  What will happen if you faint, piss yourself, throw up, your heart pounds, your muscles tremble?  UGH!!!!!!!!!!
Yes, yes I get the whole cognitive behavior therapy shit and I get the whole desensitizing shit....I get it!  That doesn't make it any less fearful or easier.  And it doesn't make it any less fearful knowing that it's not a rational fear.  "I know," says the shrink.  No they don't!
Don't get me wrong, I know what they say and the treatment they use is successful for most folks with the same problem.  I understand my body is reacting normally when it thinks there is danger even when there isn't any danger.  My mind perceives danger which triggers my body to react.  I understand all that.  Despite my experience and education on the matter, I still can't get my brain to stop reacting to a false danger.  Frustrating! There are different tricks we agoraphobics use to get through these episodes, but soon the brain realizes the trick and you have to find a new way to distract yourself from the fear.  Funny, the brain knows when it's being tricked into holding off a panic attack, even if for only a brief time, but yet the brain doesn't recognize a false danger.  Again...frustrating!!
I suppose the only proven way of getting the brain to recognize a false danger is desensitizing it by constantly challegning the false fear.  Face your fear.  Blah, blah, blah. 
Perhaps I'll just read a good book instead.

Sick As A Dog

So...here's the deal...I have a wicked cold.  OK...I admit it, I'm a bit of a whining baby when it comes to being sick.  Runny nose, sore throat, fever....blah, blah, blah!  I suppose the reason I hate having a cold so much is that sometimes the symptoms kind seem alot like the symptoms I have during an anxiety/panic attack.  I'm also very freaked about mixing meds.  So, taking OTC drugs for my cold and taking my effexor is scary for me.  Some how I think that there will be a bad reaction of the meds mixing together and something terrible will happen to me.  OOPS!!  Isn't that the same thing I'm afraid will happen if I go too far outside of my comfort zone?  Well, there you have it!!
I do tend to make a catastrophe (had to look that word up) out of things.  I do have an art out of making mole hills into mountains...quite colorfully too.  But don't mistake that for drama, because that I hate.  Got enough mess to deal with and just don't need the headache of drama.
Anyway, in deal with my (not so) wicked cold, I try to drink gallons of water and as little OTC meds as possible to get over the cold.  One thing about a cold that seems to be worst for me is not being able to breath out of my nose.  Problem with that is I practice deep, slow breathing to help calm myself and the way I do that is through my nose.  My brain thinks if I can't breath through my nose then I can't do my deep, relaxation breathing to calm down.  If I can't breath right and can't calm down, I'll have a panic attack and the world will explode!!  AHHHHHHH!!!! OK, I made up that last part but I do get pretty anxious when I have a stuffy nose so, I just use some nose spray which helps me breath easier through my nose.  Sometimes, just KNOWING I can reach for the nose spray is enough to keep the anxiety at bay. 
So, I am off to go back under the covers and continue a book I start reading and have another cup of coffee. Hot liquids is good for a cold right?  Coffee is hot and a liquid...right?  Doctor says to drink tea.  I hate tea.  I compare drinking tea to eating raw cow brain.  Is that me making a mountain out of a mole hill?  I didn't think so.
I'm out.

Still Here

So I've been away from my blog to deal with stuff.  Having to deal with a truck full of boxes from grandma's house, sorting china, crystal, jewelry and other household stuff.  Trying to research patterns of crystal and china to figure out the approximate value has been a daunting task!! I've always said that I never wanted to be involved with a relatives estate and who gets what and how much.  I find it repulsive to hear or see family fight over a dead relatives belongs and money, money, money!!  It shows such a disrespect for the departed and greed among the survivors of the departed.  Having spent money I didn't have to spend on renting a truck and gas to pick up the goods, I would only ask to get reimbursed for that. Although I feel a bit dirty in just seeking that much. 
Anyway, my house is full of boxes and boxes of all my grandma's things leaving no room to even walk around or get from one room to another.  But, I'll do what needs to be done and sooner or later my home will be back to normal. 
In the meantime, I've been on and off my meds which has been disasterous making me quite ill which just adds to the stress of sorting items, researching vintage stuff and helping to decide what goes to charity and which family member gets what.  You would think...how hard is it to remember to take one pill a day?  Well, forgetting to take it or not eating properly so you can take the pill are some of my reason, but really those are not good reasons at all.  There is simply no excuse for not taking my pill.  I have no one to blame but myself for feeling sick from withdrawal and not eating right. 
Self critizism can be a good thing so long as I see that it will help me recognize behavior that are hurdles to me getting better.  I don't look for pity nor do I want it!!  I must dedicate time each day to recovery.  Easier said then done but the only way to get better, return to a productive life, have fun, feel good about myself and explore my new surroundings.  All things I would so love in my life!!

Withdrawal

Well, I've been on and off my meds for the last few weeks because of the high cost of my prescription.  I can't believe the generic is $5.50 a pill.  A pill a day and that $5.50 sure adds up at the end of the month.  When I lived in NJ my monthly SSDI was considered below poverty.  However, the cost of living in NC, where I live now, is alot less and so those same SSDI payments make me well above poverty level.  That means I'm not eligible for alot (if not all) discount drug programs here.

Anyway, the withdrawal from this medication is absolutely brutal.  Hellish nightmares, night sweats, dirreaha, nausea, panic attacks, shakes, dizzy, obessive negative thoughts, and really I could just go on and on.  I'm real big on breathing techniques to help with generalize anxiety and the such, but when in withdrawal I can't say it has been helpful at all.  I have a quick temper and can be violent while in withdrawal which is never a good thing.  So, with trying to deal with all these terrible symptoms and trying to control my temper, I find myself spinning out of control. 

Now it's important to say that I've never injured anyone during my withdrawal, but I have had minor injuries to myself.  I will punch objects rather then people which ends up with swollen knuckles.  I've busted my pinky on one occasion but for the most part just swollen hands.  I do at times think of delibrately hurting myself, but I can honestly say that I don't see me ever doing that or even attempting it.

I wanted to write while I was in full on withdrawal, but I couldn't get myself to sit at the computer and do it.  I felt sick and angry, tried and dizzy and I was afraid I may take out my hostilities on my computer.  I can ill afford to replace or repair any part of my computer so it was probably better I didn't try to document my withdrawal at that time.

I've been back on meds for two days and I'm feeling much better.  I only have 5 more days worth of pills and will be back to going without.  Knowing what I'll be facing doesn't make it any easier but I won't worry about it because there is nothing I can do to change it.  I can't say that I'm not afraid of my certain withdrawal but I do my best not to worry...read, house cleaning, laundry and whatever to get my mind off it. 

My father and his wife will be coming for a visit tomorrow and it will be the first time for they'll be seeing my first new home.  I'm very exicted for him to see my new home.  Because of his age and health I suppose this will be his first and last visit so I want everything to be just perfect.  House is clean, dogs are bathed and even had a few bucks to be able to make a real nice dinner.  It's the good things we must focus on and so there it is. 

Discount Drug Assistance Nightmare

So, after a nightmare trying to get my meds refilled by a new doctor a new nightmare arises.  Being on Social Security Disability I get Medicare.  I can't afford Medicare parts B and D which is for doctor visits and meds.  I only have Part A which covers me if I go into the hospital.  When I lived in NJ, the state paid for the parts of Medicare I could not afford to pay myself.  This gave me assistances paying for my meds.  I now live in NC and the state doesn't help with my  Medicare payments so I don't have Parts B and D which means I must pay for meds all on my own. 

I go to pick up my 7 pills which I had to fight to get the prescription for just that many pills, the cost of those 7 pills...over $40!!!!  A months supply of this med will cost me over $300.  Of course there are other programs that different stores/pharmacies offer discount meds for people who can't afford their drugs.  HOWEVER, I can't have ANY form of health insurance...yup that includes my Medicare Part A which is for hospitalization only in order to be eligible for these programs.  I checked with the drug maker and got the same info there as well.  So what does that mean for me?  It means that I must drop the only insurance I have...Medicare in order to be eligible for one of these drug discount programs. 

Think that's all?  Nope!!  The meds I take are not on the list of eligible drugs for these discount drug programs.  When it rains it pours huh?!!?  Well, back to the drug maker...I must drop the only insurance I have to be eligible for their program so I can get assistance with my meds.  BUT, with this Obama health care nightmare where everyone must have health insurance or be fined hundreds of dollars which leaves me in a bit of...well what can I call it...HELL!!!!!  Someone explain what I should do...please!!!!!  Keep Medicare, but not be eligible for any discount drug program, which means no meds for me.  Or drop my Medicare and face hundreds of dollars in fines for no health insurance but I'll be able to afford my meds.  Of course I'll probably lose my home because of no health insurance fines. 

Now me always trying to look at the bright side of things, I found that because I get prescription assistance, I am eligible for a program here in NC which gives me a free cell phone with 300 free minutes a month.  Being 80% housebound, I don't have a cell phone because I have no use for one when I have a flat fee landline.  I guess once I lose my home it will be nice to have a free cell phone once I'm living on the streets.  But at least I'll have my meds to keep me sane and a cell phone to keep me company.

Getting Meds

OK...first off, I needed to see a new dr. so I could get my meds refilled (effexor) because I've moved to a new state.  I got an appointment at a "clinic".  The "real" dr. wasn't in and I saw someone who calls himself a "P.A." and I really have no idea what that is but that is who I saw.  Totally asshole!!  This "P.A." said that "this type of medication is constantly abused" and he was not comfortable writing a script for it.  Are you kidding me?  You can't get high from effexor!!  It's not like xanax or Valium.  Who the hell is this guy kidding?!?  This isn't some kind of narcotic that I can sell on the streets to make some fast money.  What The Hell!!!!! 

So here I am going through the first signs of withdrawal and this guy is trying to tell me that you don't have any withdrawal symptoms after only two days without this med.  HUH????   What the hell does he know?  I absolutely get withdrawal after being off the meds for two days.  This guy was a total asshole who wanted to seem like an expert in mental health.  He didn't have a clue.

Anyway, after waiting an hour to get to see this moron and listen to his inaccurate, clueless rant he finally wrote a prescription for 7 pills.  Like I'm now suppose to bow down and kiss his wrinkled, marshmallow ass for 7 pills of this highly abused, addictive drug.  Please!!  I took the script and I'll make an appointment with someone else who is a REAL doctor who knows what the hell effexor is and why I need it. 

On a happier note, I did make it to that assholes office and was able to wait the hour to get my "drug fix" and drive back home with little anxiety despite the withdrawal.  Which is a very satisfying accomplishment.  I'll have to go back on Monday or Tuesday to get a real prescription for a months worth of pills and hopefully have a doctor that will be willing to continue to refill the meds as I need them.  After years of therapy most of my shrinks have pretty much done what that can for me.  Not to sound like a know-it-all, but even the shrinks agree that I know as much about agoraphobia and what I must do to overcome the problem as they know about it.  I still need the meds with or without the mental health therapy.  It's not like I just take the meds and sit home and do nothing to overcome my problem.  I work at it everyday.  I still believe that I can overcome the problem and once again become the independent,  productive citizen I use to be.  Perhaps, somewhere there is a site where a therapist joins a chat room once a week to help people with agoraphobia.  This would be really wonderful and could really help people with agoraphobia who are completely housebound.  Actually, I've never really searched for such a site...maybe there is already one out there somewhere.  I'll have to look into that...which I will...today! 

Anticipatory Anxiety

Anticipatory Anxiety...gotta hate it.  I'm famous for anticipatory anxiety.  Seems no matter how hard I try to ignore it, try to think of something else, it's always there when I'm facing an outing, going outside my "comfort zone."  Sometimes it gets so bad that I end up not facing the task ahead.  Completely my own fault, there is not anyone to blame but myself.  I accept blame quite while and try to learn from it, however I've learned little about overcoming anticipatory anxiety. 

Perhaps trying to ignore or preoccupied myself with something else is not the way of overcoming anticipatory anxiety.  Maybe I need to face it head on, challenge it, fight it.  Hmmm...sounds good.  Of course figuring out HOW to do that is easier said then done. 

Breathing slowing and focusing on making myself calm and relaxed is always a good thing, but I've not had great success with this technique when dealing with anticipatory anxiety.  In all fairness, I've not practice this as faithfully as I should.  YES...practice what you preach!!  I've always advocated in the slowing breathing technique and to practice, practice, practice.  Shame on me for not following my advice.

I have real reason for not practicing slowing breathing for anticipatory anxiety other then laziness.  Again, shame on me.  So, now that I've made it public that I've not practiced what I preached, I will have to follow through and do what I must.  Practice, practice, practice.  Stop the catastrophic thinking and the "what if's" and just practice my breathing. 

I Must Have My Meds!!!

So where have I been for the last few days?  Let's see....I'm agoraphobic....I've been HOME!!!  Been reading...a lot!  When it's cold out I tend to stay indoors most of the time.  However, this is not the best thing for me.  The more I do stuff outside the more motivated I get to venture out of my comfort zone.  That is always a good thing. 

I have been stressing the last few days about having to get my prescription for effexor renewed.  I moved to NC from NJ alittle over a year ago.  My NJ dr. gave me a prescription that lasted me all this time here in NC. I now must find a local dr. that will refill my meds.  Seeing how I pretty much live out in the sticks, this will be no easy task for me.

It's not so much that I don't like going to see the drs. but it is stressful being in their office.  I am a bit of a germaphobe.  While at the drs. office, I will not touch anything I don't need to touch.  I will not put my hands anywhere near my face during this time...no matter what!!!  I will pace around the waiting room trying to burn off the insane amount of adrenaline rushing through my veins.  I will become annoying to everyone around me and embarrassing to my daughter who will accompany me.  I will apology over and over again for my behavior but continue to act in the same matter. 

This is the norm for me.  My old dr. back in NJ knew this about me and made sure that I was either the very first appointment or the very last in order to cut down on any wait time for me.  Seeing how I've not established and new dr. in NC and I'm very low on cash, no insurance, I will need to use a clinic that is low cost or free.  I will have to fill out dozens of forms and prove that I qualify for low cost or free treatment.  These forms could be mailed to me but it's still going to be a long wait time just because I'm new.  I'll have to go through the usual examines such as checking my blood pressure and temperature and listening to my heart rate and checking my height and weight.  UGH!!!!!!!!!   I totally understand this is common practice and it's also a must do for the clinic.  The thought of spending all this time doing all these procedures is absolutely dreadful to me. 

I must go!  I must have my meds!  The withdrawal from the meds is unbearable to say the least.  Nightmares, panic attacks, non stop anxiety, hot flashes/cold flashes, nausea, dizzy, insomnia, repetitive negative thoughts, fainting and the list goes on and on.  I must have my meds!  You would think that just the thought of being without my meds would be enough to make me go and do what I need to so I can get them.  Not the case.  The stress of knowing how much I need them just gives me more anxiety which of course makes it harder to leave the house.  I must go! Good ol' anticipatory anxiety at it's best. 

What's the worst that could happen?  Don't you love hearing that?  PANIC ATTACK!  OK, but you've had them before and your still alive, nothing terrible happened...right?  WRONG!  The panic attack happened, isn't that bad enough?  Yes, I'm still alive but dying isn't what I'm afraid of...panic attacks are what I'm afraid of, so the worst that could happen is the panic attack.  Why doesn't anyone understand that?  People seem to think that there are worse things that can happen then a panic attack...like dying.  Well, during a panic attack I wish for death...I welcome it...kill me now!  Just because death seems worse to others doesn't mean it's what my mind feels during a panic attack.  Yes, I know it's an irrational fear, doesn't make it any less fearful. 

Fears are fears, different people fear different things.  There are a lot of people who don't skydive.  Not because they are afraid of heights, but jumping out of a plane is scary to some folks.  Perhaps some of those skydivers would never go cave exploring...tight, closed in spaces that you have to crawl through not knowing for how long or where you'll end up is scary to them.  Different people fear different things.  Doesn't make their fear any less just because there are people who are not afraid of those same things.  I need to repeat that just because a fear is irrational doesn't make it any less fearful. 

So anyway, I will do my very best to get to the clinic and hopefully get a prescription for my meds.  I will do more then just hope I make it, I will practice my slow deep breathing and try to visualize myself going to the clinic and successfully accomplishing my goal without having a panic attack.

Quick Fix Panic Relief

Don't get excited by the title...to the best of my knowledge there is no quick fix.  All hope isn't lost though. I use to get this one trigger for a panic attack...felt like I couldn't catch my breathe.  Felt like I was going to suffocate.  Hyperventilation?  I always thought that hyperventilating was when one breathes way too fast, like panting.  I wasn't doing that, I wasn't huffing and puffing like I just ran a mile at full speed. What I didn't realize is that you don't need to do all that panting to be hyperventilating.  I just know I'm not going to explain this where someone can understand it, so all I can really say is that I wasn't breathing in a "normal" way.   My breathing was like these very quick short breathes, but not where anyone could look at me and notice.  Hell, even I didn't notice I was doing it.  I would just start to get light headed, kind of dizzy and felt like I was going to suffocate.  In the end I would get a panic attack and tried to figure out what caused it. I just noticed the dizzy feeling, the suffocating feeling and didn't recognize that I was in fact hyperventilating.

It wasn't until many months later that I heard - read about breathing exercises that can and will relax me when feeling anxiety and / or panic.  These breathing exercises are really just slowing down your breathing.  Very deliberate slow breathing.  Breath very slow in through the nose for a count of three.  Hold it in for a count of 3 and then slowly exhale for the count of three.  Count three again and start slowly breathing in again.  Continue breathing in this matter for 10 times.  It really does work.

Now...this breathing technique is not all that simple to the agoraphobic or one who is in a full blown panic attack or even an anxiety attack. It really takes a lot of focus which is hard to do when freaking out!  I still can't get myself to focus on my breathing when in full on panic.  However, practice makes a world of difference.  Just practice breathing like this three or more times a day for about 10 minutes each time.  I can't stress enough how important this is and to really force yourself to practice!  Also, it is really important to start breathing slowly at the earliest moment you notice those anxiety / panicky feelings coming on.  The sooner you start breathing slowly the better success you'll have. 

Another thing to do while practicing the breathing technique is to maybe add some sort of calming visualization.  Visualizing something that is comforting or calming is a great little part of the breathing practice that can really help out later on when anxiety in creeping in on you.  I know that this is not some big discovery on my part.  It is simply something I've read or heard about and gave it a try.  I also know that some shrinks recommend that during these breathing practices that one should add making yourself real calm and then visualize something that will induce anxiety and / or panic and when you feel that anxiety to quickly (but calmly) go back to thinking about something calming and comforting while continuing to breath slowly in and out.  I'll add that every now and then to my practices but for me it was really a matter of first getting the whole breathing slowly down pat before introducing the visual anxiety stuff.

By practicing my slow breathing for a solid 6 months of everyday practices I was able to drive 45 minutes away from my house.  I did experience anxiety during this trip but ultimately I was able to handle it and felt such a huge sense of accomplishment when I got back home.  It's truly a great feeling!!

So, quick fix panic relief...maybe not so quick but in the end it could make a huge difference in my recovery.  All I can say is PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE! ! ! ! !  I cannot stress this enough.  No matter how boring it is, no matter how tedious it is, no matter how useless you may think it is.  It absolutely will help.  Master this breathing technique and keep practicing even after you've master it.  It truly will make all the difference in the world!

Fear Not The Snow

So we're expecting a bit of snow tonight.  I'm from up north and now live in the south where snow isn't a big problem.  When I lived up north and hear that we were expecting a decent amount of snowfall, I terrible fear would come over me.  I was afraid that if it snowed too much it would prevent help from getting to me or me getting to help.  Don't know what terrible thing would happen to me that I would need help.  It was just the thought of not being able to get help because of the bad road conditions.  Irrational fear?  Who me?

I've overcome that fear...almost.  I still do get little pangs of fear but nothing like I use to.  I really do hate the snow but no so much because of my fear of not getting help, but because I hate the cold and hate shoveling.  I must say I do enjoy watching my dogs romp through the snow but that's about it.

I'm not sure how I overcame the fear of the whole snow thing...it just went away.  I have so many other fears that I wish would just go away, but I guess that's not going to happen.  So, I'll enjoy watching all my critters frolic in the snow and put my hate for the cold, fluffy, white stuff behind me.  Focus on the postive, right? 

So that's it for now.