Withdrawal

Well, I've been on and off my meds for the last few weeks because of the high cost of my prescription.  I can't believe the generic is $5.50 a pill.  A pill a day and that $5.50 sure adds up at the end of the month.  When I lived in NJ my monthly SSDI was considered below poverty.  However, the cost of living in NC, where I live now, is alot less and so those same SSDI payments make me well above poverty level.  That means I'm not eligible for alot (if not all) discount drug programs here.

Anyway, the withdrawal from this medication is absolutely brutal.  Hellish nightmares, night sweats, dirreaha, nausea, panic attacks, shakes, dizzy, obessive negative thoughts, and really I could just go on and on.  I'm real big on breathing techniques to help with generalize anxiety and the such, but when in withdrawal I can't say it has been helpful at all.  I have a quick temper and can be violent while in withdrawal which is never a good thing.  So, with trying to deal with all these terrible symptoms and trying to control my temper, I find myself spinning out of control. 

Now it's important to say that I've never injured anyone during my withdrawal, but I have had minor injuries to myself.  I will punch objects rather then people which ends up with swollen knuckles.  I've busted my pinky on one occasion but for the most part just swollen hands.  I do at times think of delibrately hurting myself, but I can honestly say that I don't see me ever doing that or even attempting it.

I wanted to write while I was in full on withdrawal, but I couldn't get myself to sit at the computer and do it.  I felt sick and angry, tried and dizzy and I was afraid I may take out my hostilities on my computer.  I can ill afford to replace or repair any part of my computer so it was probably better I didn't try to document my withdrawal at that time.

I've been back on meds for two days and I'm feeling much better.  I only have 5 more days worth of pills and will be back to going without.  Knowing what I'll be facing doesn't make it any easier but I won't worry about it because there is nothing I can do to change it.  I can't say that I'm not afraid of my certain withdrawal but I do my best not to worry...read, house cleaning, laundry and whatever to get my mind off it. 

My father and his wife will be coming for a visit tomorrow and it will be the first time for they'll be seeing my first new home.  I'm very exicted for him to see my new home.  Because of his age and health I suppose this will be his first and last visit so I want everything to be just perfect.  House is clean, dogs are bathed and even had a few bucks to be able to make a real nice dinner.  It's the good things we must focus on and so there it is. 

Discount Drug Assistance Nightmare

So, after a nightmare trying to get my meds refilled by a new doctor a new nightmare arises.  Being on Social Security Disability I get Medicare.  I can't afford Medicare parts B and D which is for doctor visits and meds.  I only have Part A which covers me if I go into the hospital.  When I lived in NJ, the state paid for the parts of Medicare I could not afford to pay myself.  This gave me assistances paying for my meds.  I now live in NC and the state doesn't help with my  Medicare payments so I don't have Parts B and D which means I must pay for meds all on my own. 

I go to pick up my 7 pills which I had to fight to get the prescription for just that many pills, the cost of those 7 pills...over $40!!!!  A months supply of this med will cost me over $300.  Of course there are other programs that different stores/pharmacies offer discount meds for people who can't afford their drugs.  HOWEVER, I can't have ANY form of health insurance...yup that includes my Medicare Part A which is for hospitalization only in order to be eligible for these programs.  I checked with the drug maker and got the same info there as well.  So what does that mean for me?  It means that I must drop the only insurance I have...Medicare in order to be eligible for one of these drug discount programs. 

Think that's all?  Nope!!  The meds I take are not on the list of eligible drugs for these discount drug programs.  When it rains it pours huh?!!?  Well, back to the drug maker...I must drop the only insurance I have to be eligible for their program so I can get assistance with my meds.  BUT, with this Obama health care nightmare where everyone must have health insurance or be fined hundreds of dollars which leaves me in a bit of...well what can I call it...HELL!!!!!  Someone explain what I should do...please!!!!!  Keep Medicare, but not be eligible for any discount drug program, which means no meds for me.  Or drop my Medicare and face hundreds of dollars in fines for no health insurance but I'll be able to afford my meds.  Of course I'll probably lose my home because of no health insurance fines. 

Now me always trying to look at the bright side of things, I found that because I get prescription assistance, I am eligible for a program here in NC which gives me a free cell phone with 300 free minutes a month.  Being 80% housebound, I don't have a cell phone because I have no use for one when I have a flat fee landline.  I guess once I lose my home it will be nice to have a free cell phone once I'm living on the streets.  But at least I'll have my meds to keep me sane and a cell phone to keep me company.