Off Topic Rant

I'm going completely off topic here for a moment.  I seriously need to vent about uncaring pet owners.  Pets bring such great pleasures to people's lives and I simply don't understand why some people get pets so they can ignore them.  If you don't want to clean up after an animal, walk it daily, groom it weekly, feed it daily, take it to the vet for check ups and shots they don't get a pet!  If your not willing to do even just one of those things then you shouldn't own a pet.  Simply as that!
Folks like my neighbor who get a beautiful puppy, I suppose for their 5 kids to play with, is a perfect example of someone who shouldn't own a pet.  As if 5 young kids isn't enough to take care of, they get a puppy.  The puppy was probably cute for a few days and like the other toys they get bored of, get discarded away in the yard.  So, here's this little puppy, no collar, not tied up, just roaming around the yard trying to keep itself amused. 
The puppy seems well fed, but there is more then just feeding needed for a animal to develop into a loving, happy pet.  So, as the puppy gets alittle older it inevitably starts to wonder into the neighbor's yards. Neighbors who have their own dogs either tied up or behind fences.  Me...I don't have a fenced in yard and I don't tie my dogs out.  They are small dogs and I like to spend time with them outside.  I take my dogs, off leash into my yard so they can run around and play and do their business.  Puppy sees some new playmates and wonders over to play.  The puppy being at least double the size of my adult dogs were a bit scared but got use to the puppy and they play for awhile.  But, my dogs need their own time to tend to their business and they can't do that with a puppy jumping on them and constantly wanting to play.  Mend you, I understand the puppy's need for socializing and playing with other dogs and people...I totally get that.  But, ulitmately it's not my dog to tend to and it's not my responsibility to take care of this puppy. 
I've never said anything to the small children in regards to the puppy being at my house all the time but I guess the kids don't want the puppy playing with my dogs or maybe the parents told them to keep the puppy in the yard.  Of course no one told the kids how to keep the dog in their own yard so the do what kids do.  They put a kitty collar on the puppy which I ended up cutting off because it was strangling the pup.  I honestly don't know how they even got this collar on the dog...it was insane tight. So, the next day, I guess the kids found a rusty chain in a swamp (at least that's what it smelled like) and tied that around the dogs next.  Now this chain was all of maybe 4 feet long.  The kids tied it to a tree branch which gave this puppy just enough room to sit but nothing else.  Of course the next day when the puppy came running into my yard to play with my dogs dragging this nasty chain around it's neck, I once again removed it and threw it away. 
The last straw for me was two or three days later, when these small kids, oldest one not being more then maybe 8 years old, were all outside playing and again the puppy came running to my house to play with my dogs.  They tried calling the puppy which didn't work.  After my dogs finished their business, I put them back in the house.  The kids got the puppy, tied a short rope around it's neck and then tied it to the highest branch they could reach.  They then repeatedly kicked the puppy and punched it in the head.  This I could not take, I would not take. 
After finding out that animal control had no officers working on weekends, and a police department that consists of a total of three officers, which none were currently on duty, I called the sheriff's department.  The sheriff found that the two feet of rope was all the puppy really needed to get by and the kids being home alone wasn't a real concern, so he left, doing nothing to aid the puppy or the kids for that matter. 
I am disgusted beyond belief!!!!  How can two feet of rope, which doesn't allow enough for the puppy to lie down, no shelter and no water bowl be consider sufficent?  Despite my hopes and prayers that the sheriff would be a loving pet owner himself didn't happen, I would have hoped that an educated person would see the situtation for what it was and clarify to these kids what they were doing wrong.  This didn't happen, so I guess my only hope for this puppy is to wait until Monday for animal control to open and see if they can help these pup. 
For now, I can only hope that I might find one of those underground groups that aids abused women and children except the do it for animals.  Come in the dark of night and snatch up poor unloved, mistreated animals and find loving homes for them.  While unwanted, abused animals is an epidemic in this country, I suspected finding such an organization that removes animals from their tormentors my not exist beyond the local animal control. 
Well, instead of feeling better after my rant, I actually feel worse.  I guess for the time being, all I can do is offer the puppy (which by the way, the kids have yet to name) alittle love and a treat no and then.  What more can I do?  I truly feel helpless.

Better In Time For The Good Weather

Yes, yes...my cold is finally gone.  Hooray!  The weather is absolutely beautiful...high 80s and lovin every bit of it.  I hear that the northeast got some snow or at least flurries.  So, you wonder if I miss the northeast, my old neighborhood?  Not one bit!!!  I'll have my deck by the end of next month, my outdoor fireplace (portable fireplace?) and next the pool.  Life is good. 
Not that I'm trying to make my housebound too good to leave but a few hard earned luxeries (regardless of how small) is just a way to enjoy life despite my situtation.  Be happy and focus on the good stuff is a step in the direction of recovery, right?  I will not dwell on life's drama, hardships and annoyances, but bathe in the little things that give me pleasure.
OK...my life is not peaches and cream, I get pissed, frustrated, annoyed, sad and bored, but I do my very best to give as little energy as possible to those irks.  I rarely stay pissed off at anyone or anything for more the ten minutes.  I've learned to walk away when I get frustrated while working on a project, whatever it might be.  Best way to ruin something your working on is by working on it when you get frustrated. Walk away.  I try to recognize boredom and or sadness as soon as possible to force myself to divert my attention to something else.  Brush the dogs or play with them, clean something, read, anything to direct my energy somewhere else. 
Forcing myself to do things I don't want to deal with might seem like a bad thing for me to do.  I mean dealing with my fears is something I don't want to do, don't want to face but in the end facing these fears will ulitmately feel really good, a sense of accomplishment, a feeling of being normal...and normal is a good thing, at least for me it is. 
So, having something to look forward to, without any anxiety is totally awesome.  I look forward to my new deck.  I'll invite neighbors over for a BBQ, talk shit and have some real good times.  Maybe get some friends from the northeast to come for a visit and have a real blast.  Hell, I might even invite some relatives over for some outstanding barbeque and probably have a good time.  If not, then at least I know that they'll go home and I'll still have my deck, my dogs, my outdoor fireplace and a good book.
I'm out!

The Cold Continues

Yup, still have my cold...sux.  I've been reading more then usual being that I'm spending so much time in bed.  I just love a good horror book.  Don't have any special author I like over others, but I do tend to read alot of the same authors because of the genre I like to read.  I want to be scared to death, afraid to sleep, afraid to turn off the lights, afraid of every little sound in the dark. 
If your thinking that I'm this goth kind of dark person....I'm not.  Not that there is anything wrong with those folks who are into the whole dark, goth kind of look...just not for me.  I'm also not into the gore factor.  Gore doesn't make a story scary!  I so wish filmmakers would understand that.  Gore can certainly be part of the story, but it will never be a cause to scare me. 
You might think that one with a phobia such as myself would not like being scared.  Not true.  It's the "kind" of scare that I don't like.  Like... I would be scared if I was being stalked by some creepy serial killer, but I wouldn't if I was reading a book where that was part of the story. 
What scares me about agoraphobia, going outside my comfort zone?  Guess, I'm like everyone else with agoraphobia, afraid of panic attacks.  My shrink would love to take that reason further.  What is it about panic attacks that make you scared?  The feelings my body and mind experience during a panic attack scare me.  Well, what do you feel that is scary?  Feeling like I'm going to faint, piss myself, throw up, pounding heart, muscles so tight they tremble from the adrenaline.  What will happen if you faint, piss yourself, throw up, your heart pounds, your muscles tremble?  UGH!!!!!!!!!!
Yes, yes I get the whole cognitive behavior therapy shit and I get the whole desensitizing shit....I get it!  That doesn't make it any less fearful or easier.  And it doesn't make it any less fearful knowing that it's not a rational fear.  "I know," says the shrink.  No they don't!
Don't get me wrong, I know what they say and the treatment they use is successful for most folks with the same problem.  I understand my body is reacting normally when it thinks there is danger even when there isn't any danger.  My mind perceives danger which triggers my body to react.  I understand all that.  Despite my experience and education on the matter, I still can't get my brain to stop reacting to a false danger.  Frustrating! There are different tricks we agoraphobics use to get through these episodes, but soon the brain realizes the trick and you have to find a new way to distract yourself from the fear.  Funny, the brain knows when it's being tricked into holding off a panic attack, even if for only a brief time, but yet the brain doesn't recognize a false danger.  Again...frustrating!!
I suppose the only proven way of getting the brain to recognize a false danger is desensitizing it by constantly challegning the false fear.  Face your fear.  Blah, blah, blah. 
Perhaps I'll just read a good book instead.

Sick As A Dog

So...here's the deal...I have a wicked cold.  OK...I admit it, I'm a bit of a whining baby when it comes to being sick.  Runny nose, sore throat, fever....blah, blah, blah!  I suppose the reason I hate having a cold so much is that sometimes the symptoms kind seem alot like the symptoms I have during an anxiety/panic attack.  I'm also very freaked about mixing meds.  So, taking OTC drugs for my cold and taking my effexor is scary for me.  Some how I think that there will be a bad reaction of the meds mixing together and something terrible will happen to me.  OOPS!!  Isn't that the same thing I'm afraid will happen if I go too far outside of my comfort zone?  Well, there you have it!!
I do tend to make a catastrophe (had to look that word up) out of things.  I do have an art out of making mole hills into mountains...quite colorfully too.  But don't mistake that for drama, because that I hate.  Got enough mess to deal with and just don't need the headache of drama.
Anyway, in deal with my (not so) wicked cold, I try to drink gallons of water and as little OTC meds as possible to get over the cold.  One thing about a cold that seems to be worst for me is not being able to breath out of my nose.  Problem with that is I practice deep, slow breathing to help calm myself and the way I do that is through my nose.  My brain thinks if I can't breath through my nose then I can't do my deep, relaxation breathing to calm down.  If I can't breath right and can't calm down, I'll have a panic attack and the world will explode!!  AHHHHHHH!!!! OK, I made up that last part but I do get pretty anxious when I have a stuffy nose so, I just use some nose spray which helps me breath easier through my nose.  Sometimes, just KNOWING I can reach for the nose spray is enough to keep the anxiety at bay. 
So, I am off to go back under the covers and continue a book I start reading and have another cup of coffee. Hot liquids is good for a cold right?  Coffee is hot and a liquid...right?  Doctor says to drink tea.  I hate tea.  I compare drinking tea to eating raw cow brain.  Is that me making a mountain out of a mole hill?  I didn't think so.
I'm out.

Still Here

So I've been away from my blog to deal with stuff.  Having to deal with a truck full of boxes from grandma's house, sorting china, crystal, jewelry and other household stuff.  Trying to research patterns of crystal and china to figure out the approximate value has been a daunting task!! I've always said that I never wanted to be involved with a relatives estate and who gets what and how much.  I find it repulsive to hear or see family fight over a dead relatives belongs and money, money, money!!  It shows such a disrespect for the departed and greed among the survivors of the departed.  Having spent money I didn't have to spend on renting a truck and gas to pick up the goods, I would only ask to get reimbursed for that. Although I feel a bit dirty in just seeking that much. 
Anyway, my house is full of boxes and boxes of all my grandma's things leaving no room to even walk around or get from one room to another.  But, I'll do what needs to be done and sooner or later my home will be back to normal. 
In the meantime, I've been on and off my meds which has been disasterous making me quite ill which just adds to the stress of sorting items, researching vintage stuff and helping to decide what goes to charity and which family member gets what.  You would think...how hard is it to remember to take one pill a day?  Well, forgetting to take it or not eating properly so you can take the pill are some of my reason, but really those are not good reasons at all.  There is simply no excuse for not taking my pill.  I have no one to blame but myself for feeling sick from withdrawal and not eating right. 
Self critizism can be a good thing so long as I see that it will help me recognize behavior that are hurdles to me getting better.  I don't look for pity nor do I want it!!  I must dedicate time each day to recovery.  Easier said then done but the only way to get better, return to a productive life, have fun, feel good about myself and explore my new surroundings.  All things I would so love in my life!!