Withdrawal

Well, I've been on and off my meds for the last few weeks because of the high cost of my prescription.  I can't believe the generic is $5.50 a pill.  A pill a day and that $5.50 sure adds up at the end of the month.  When I lived in NJ my monthly SSDI was considered below poverty.  However, the cost of living in NC, where I live now, is alot less and so those same SSDI payments make me well above poverty level.  That means I'm not eligible for alot (if not all) discount drug programs here.

Anyway, the withdrawal from this medication is absolutely brutal.  Hellish nightmares, night sweats, dirreaha, nausea, panic attacks, shakes, dizzy, obessive negative thoughts, and really I could just go on and on.  I'm real big on breathing techniques to help with generalize anxiety and the such, but when in withdrawal I can't say it has been helpful at all.  I have a quick temper and can be violent while in withdrawal which is never a good thing.  So, with trying to deal with all these terrible symptoms and trying to control my temper, I find myself spinning out of control. 

Now it's important to say that I've never injured anyone during my withdrawal, but I have had minor injuries to myself.  I will punch objects rather then people which ends up with swollen knuckles.  I've busted my pinky on one occasion but for the most part just swollen hands.  I do at times think of delibrately hurting myself, but I can honestly say that I don't see me ever doing that or even attempting it.

I wanted to write while I was in full on withdrawal, but I couldn't get myself to sit at the computer and do it.  I felt sick and angry, tried and dizzy and I was afraid I may take out my hostilities on my computer.  I can ill afford to replace or repair any part of my computer so it was probably better I didn't try to document my withdrawal at that time.

I've been back on meds for two days and I'm feeling much better.  I only have 5 more days worth of pills and will be back to going without.  Knowing what I'll be facing doesn't make it any easier but I won't worry about it because there is nothing I can do to change it.  I can't say that I'm not afraid of my certain withdrawal but I do my best not to worry...read, house cleaning, laundry and whatever to get my mind off it. 

My father and his wife will be coming for a visit tomorrow and it will be the first time for they'll be seeing my first new home.  I'm very exicted for him to see my new home.  Because of his age and health I suppose this will be his first and last visit so I want everything to be just perfect.  House is clean, dogs are bathed and even had a few bucks to be able to make a real nice dinner.  It's the good things we must focus on and so there it is.