The Cold Continues

Yup, still have my cold...sux.  I've been reading more then usual being that I'm spending so much time in bed.  I just love a good horror book.  Don't have any special author I like over others, but I do tend to read alot of the same authors because of the genre I like to read.  I want to be scared to death, afraid to sleep, afraid to turn off the lights, afraid of every little sound in the dark. 
If your thinking that I'm this goth kind of dark person....I'm not.  Not that there is anything wrong with those folks who are into the whole dark, goth kind of look...just not for me.  I'm also not into the gore factor.  Gore doesn't make a story scary!  I so wish filmmakers would understand that.  Gore can certainly be part of the story, but it will never be a cause to scare me. 
You might think that one with a phobia such as myself would not like being scared.  Not true.  It's the "kind" of scare that I don't like.  Like... I would be scared if I was being stalked by some creepy serial killer, but I wouldn't if I was reading a book where that was part of the story. 
What scares me about agoraphobia, going outside my comfort zone?  Guess, I'm like everyone else with agoraphobia, afraid of panic attacks.  My shrink would love to take that reason further.  What is it about panic attacks that make you scared?  The feelings my body and mind experience during a panic attack scare me.  Well, what do you feel that is scary?  Feeling like I'm going to faint, piss myself, throw up, pounding heart, muscles so tight they tremble from the adrenaline.  What will happen if you faint, piss yourself, throw up, your heart pounds, your muscles tremble?  UGH!!!!!!!!!!
Yes, yes I get the whole cognitive behavior therapy shit and I get the whole desensitizing shit....I get it!  That doesn't make it any less fearful or easier.  And it doesn't make it any less fearful knowing that it's not a rational fear.  "I know," says the shrink.  No they don't!
Don't get me wrong, I know what they say and the treatment they use is successful for most folks with the same problem.  I understand my body is reacting normally when it thinks there is danger even when there isn't any danger.  My mind perceives danger which triggers my body to react.  I understand all that.  Despite my experience and education on the matter, I still can't get my brain to stop reacting to a false danger.  Frustrating! There are different tricks we agoraphobics use to get through these episodes, but soon the brain realizes the trick and you have to find a new way to distract yourself from the fear.  Funny, the brain knows when it's being tricked into holding off a panic attack, even if for only a brief time, but yet the brain doesn't recognize a false danger.  Again...frustrating!!
I suppose the only proven way of getting the brain to recognize a false danger is desensitizing it by constantly challegning the false fear.  Face your fear.  Blah, blah, blah. 
Perhaps I'll just read a good book instead.