OK...first off, I needed to see a new dr. so I could get my meds refilled (effexor) because I've moved to a new state. I got an appointment at a "clinic". The "real" dr. wasn't in and I saw someone who calls himself a "P.A." and I really have no idea what that is but that is who I saw. Totally asshole!! This "P.A." said that "this type of medication is constantly abused" and he was not comfortable writing a script for it. Are you kidding me? You can't get high from effexor!! It's not like xanax or Valium. Who the hell is this guy kidding?!? This isn't some kind of narcotic that I can sell on the streets to make some fast money. What The Hell!!!!!
So here I am going through the first signs of withdrawal and this guy is trying to tell me that you don't have any withdrawal symptoms after only two days without this med. HUH???? What the hell does he know? I absolutely get withdrawal after being off the meds for two days. This guy was a total asshole who wanted to seem like an expert in mental health. He didn't have a clue.
Anyway, after waiting an hour to get to see this moron and listen to his inaccurate, clueless rant he finally wrote a prescription for 7 pills. Like I'm now suppose to bow down and kiss his wrinkled, marshmallow ass for 7 pills of this highly abused, addictive drug. Please!! I took the script and I'll make an appointment with someone else who is a REAL doctor who knows what the hell effexor is and why I need it.
On a happier note, I did make it to that assholes office and was able to wait the hour to get my "drug fix" and drive back home with little anxiety despite the withdrawal. Which is a very satisfying accomplishment. I'll have to go back on Monday or Tuesday to get a real prescription for a months worth of pills and hopefully have a doctor that will be willing to continue to refill the meds as I need them. After years of therapy most of my shrinks have pretty much done what that can for me. Not to sound like a know-it-all, but even the shrinks agree that I know as much about agoraphobia and what I must do to overcome the problem as they know about it. I still need the meds with or without the mental health therapy. It's not like I just take the meds and sit home and do nothing to overcome my problem. I work at it everyday. I still believe that I can overcome the problem and once again become the independent, productive citizen I use to be. Perhaps, somewhere there is a site where a therapist joins a chat room once a week to help people with agoraphobia. This would be really wonderful and could really help people with agoraphobia who are completely housebound. Actually, I've never really searched for such a site...maybe there is already one out there somewhere. I'll have to look into that...which I will...today!
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Anticipatory Anxiety
Anticipatory Anxiety...gotta hate it. I'm famous for anticipatory anxiety. Seems no matter how hard I try to ignore it, try to think of something else, it's always there when I'm facing an outing, going outside my "comfort zone." Sometimes it gets so bad that I end up not facing the task ahead. Completely my own fault, there is not anyone to blame but myself. I accept blame quite while and try to learn from it, however I've learned little about overcoming anticipatory anxiety.
Perhaps trying to ignore or preoccupied myself with something else is not the way of overcoming anticipatory anxiety. Maybe I need to face it head on, challenge it, fight it. Hmmm...sounds good. Of course figuring out HOW to do that is easier said then done.
Breathing slowing and focusing on making myself calm and relaxed is always a good thing, but I've not had great success with this technique when dealing with anticipatory anxiety. In all fairness, I've not practice this as faithfully as I should. YES...practice what you preach!! I've always advocated in the slowing breathing technique and to practice, practice, practice. Shame on me for not following my advice.
I have real reason for not practicing slowing breathing for anticipatory anxiety other then laziness. Again, shame on me. So, now that I've made it public that I've not practiced what I preached, I will have to follow through and do what I must. Practice, practice, practice. Stop the catastrophic thinking and the "what if's" and just practice my breathing.
Perhaps trying to ignore or preoccupied myself with something else is not the way of overcoming anticipatory anxiety. Maybe I need to face it head on, challenge it, fight it. Hmmm...sounds good. Of course figuring out HOW to do that is easier said then done.
Breathing slowing and focusing on making myself calm and relaxed is always a good thing, but I've not had great success with this technique when dealing with anticipatory anxiety. In all fairness, I've not practice this as faithfully as I should. YES...practice what you preach!! I've always advocated in the slowing breathing technique and to practice, practice, practice. Shame on me for not following my advice.
I have real reason for not practicing slowing breathing for anticipatory anxiety other then laziness. Again, shame on me. So, now that I've made it public that I've not practiced what I preached, I will have to follow through and do what I must. Practice, practice, practice. Stop the catastrophic thinking and the "what if's" and just practice my breathing.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
I Must Have My Meds!!!
So where have I been for the last few days? Let's see....I'm agoraphobic....I've been HOME!!! Been reading...a lot! When it's cold out I tend to stay indoors most of the time. However, this is not the best thing for me. The more I do stuff outside the more motivated I get to venture out of my comfort zone. That is always a good thing.
I have been stressing the last few days about having to get my prescription for effexor renewed. I moved to NC from NJ alittle over a year ago. My NJ dr. gave me a prescription that lasted me all this time here in NC. I now must find a local dr. that will refill my meds. Seeing how I pretty much live out in the sticks, this will be no easy task for me.
It's not so much that I don't like going to see the drs. but it is stressful being in their office. I am a bit of a germaphobe. While at the drs. office, I will not touch anything I don't need to touch. I will not put my hands anywhere near my face during this time...no matter what!!! I will pace around the waiting room trying to burn off the insane amount of adrenaline rushing through my veins. I will become annoying to everyone around me and embarrassing to my daughter who will accompany me. I will apology over and over again for my behavior but continue to act in the same matter.
This is the norm for me. My old dr. back in NJ knew this about me and made sure that I was either the very first appointment or the very last in order to cut down on any wait time for me. Seeing how I've not established and new dr. in NC and I'm very low on cash, no insurance, I will need to use a clinic that is low cost or free. I will have to fill out dozens of forms and prove that I qualify for low cost or free treatment. These forms could be mailed to me but it's still going to be a long wait time just because I'm new. I'll have to go through the usual examines such as checking my blood pressure and temperature and listening to my heart rate and checking my height and weight. UGH!!!!!!!!! I totally understand this is common practice and it's also a must do for the clinic. The thought of spending all this time doing all these procedures is absolutely dreadful to me.
I must go! I must have my meds! The withdrawal from the meds is unbearable to say the least. Nightmares, panic attacks, non stop anxiety, hot flashes/cold flashes, nausea, dizzy, insomnia, repetitive negative thoughts, fainting and the list goes on and on. I must have my meds! You would think that just the thought of being without my meds would be enough to make me go and do what I need to so I can get them. Not the case. The stress of knowing how much I need them just gives me more anxiety which of course makes it harder to leave the house. I must go! Good ol' anticipatory anxiety at it's best.
What's the worst that could happen? Don't you love hearing that? PANIC ATTACK! OK, but you've had them before and your still alive, nothing terrible happened...right? WRONG! The panic attack happened, isn't that bad enough? Yes, I'm still alive but dying isn't what I'm afraid of...panic attacks are what I'm afraid of, so the worst that could happen is the panic attack. Why doesn't anyone understand that? People seem to think that there are worse things that can happen then a panic attack...like dying. Well, during a panic attack I wish for death...I welcome it...kill me now! Just because death seems worse to others doesn't mean it's what my mind feels during a panic attack. Yes, I know it's an irrational fear, doesn't make it any less fearful.
Fears are fears, different people fear different things. There are a lot of people who don't skydive. Not because they are afraid of heights, but jumping out of a plane is scary to some folks. Perhaps some of those skydivers would never go cave exploring...tight, closed in spaces that you have to crawl through not knowing for how long or where you'll end up is scary to them. Different people fear different things. Doesn't make their fear any less just because there are people who are not afraid of those same things. I need to repeat that just because a fear is irrational doesn't make it any less fearful.
So anyway, I will do my very best to get to the clinic and hopefully get a prescription for my meds. I will do more then just hope I make it, I will practice my slow deep breathing and try to visualize myself going to the clinic and successfully accomplishing my goal without having a panic attack.
I have been stressing the last few days about having to get my prescription for effexor renewed. I moved to NC from NJ alittle over a year ago. My NJ dr. gave me a prescription that lasted me all this time here in NC. I now must find a local dr. that will refill my meds. Seeing how I pretty much live out in the sticks, this will be no easy task for me.
It's not so much that I don't like going to see the drs. but it is stressful being in their office. I am a bit of a germaphobe. While at the drs. office, I will not touch anything I don't need to touch. I will not put my hands anywhere near my face during this time...no matter what!!! I will pace around the waiting room trying to burn off the insane amount of adrenaline rushing through my veins. I will become annoying to everyone around me and embarrassing to my daughter who will accompany me. I will apology over and over again for my behavior but continue to act in the same matter.
This is the norm for me. My old dr. back in NJ knew this about me and made sure that I was either the very first appointment or the very last in order to cut down on any wait time for me. Seeing how I've not established and new dr. in NC and I'm very low on cash, no insurance, I will need to use a clinic that is low cost or free. I will have to fill out dozens of forms and prove that I qualify for low cost or free treatment. These forms could be mailed to me but it's still going to be a long wait time just because I'm new. I'll have to go through the usual examines such as checking my blood pressure and temperature and listening to my heart rate and checking my height and weight. UGH!!!!!!!!! I totally understand this is common practice and it's also a must do for the clinic. The thought of spending all this time doing all these procedures is absolutely dreadful to me.
I must go! I must have my meds! The withdrawal from the meds is unbearable to say the least. Nightmares, panic attacks, non stop anxiety, hot flashes/cold flashes, nausea, dizzy, insomnia, repetitive negative thoughts, fainting and the list goes on and on. I must have my meds! You would think that just the thought of being without my meds would be enough to make me go and do what I need to so I can get them. Not the case. The stress of knowing how much I need them just gives me more anxiety which of course makes it harder to leave the house. I must go! Good ol' anticipatory anxiety at it's best.
What's the worst that could happen? Don't you love hearing that? PANIC ATTACK! OK, but you've had them before and your still alive, nothing terrible happened...right? WRONG! The panic attack happened, isn't that bad enough? Yes, I'm still alive but dying isn't what I'm afraid of...panic attacks are what I'm afraid of, so the worst that could happen is the panic attack. Why doesn't anyone understand that? People seem to think that there are worse things that can happen then a panic attack...like dying. Well, during a panic attack I wish for death...I welcome it...kill me now! Just because death seems worse to others doesn't mean it's what my mind feels during a panic attack. Yes, I know it's an irrational fear, doesn't make it any less fearful.
Fears are fears, different people fear different things. There are a lot of people who don't skydive. Not because they are afraid of heights, but jumping out of a plane is scary to some folks. Perhaps some of those skydivers would never go cave exploring...tight, closed in spaces that you have to crawl through not knowing for how long or where you'll end up is scary to them. Different people fear different things. Doesn't make their fear any less just because there are people who are not afraid of those same things. I need to repeat that just because a fear is irrational doesn't make it any less fearful.
So anyway, I will do my very best to get to the clinic and hopefully get a prescription for my meds. I will do more then just hope I make it, I will practice my slow deep breathing and try to visualize myself going to the clinic and successfully accomplishing my goal without having a panic attack.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Quick Fix Panic Relief
Don't get excited by the title...to the best of my knowledge there is no quick fix. All hope isn't lost though. I use to get this one trigger for a panic attack...felt like I couldn't catch my breathe. Felt like I was going to suffocate. Hyperventilation? I always thought that hyperventilating was when one breathes way too fast, like panting. I wasn't doing that, I wasn't huffing and puffing like I just ran a mile at full speed. What I didn't realize is that you don't need to do all that panting to be hyperventilating. I just know I'm not going to explain this where someone can understand it, so all I can really say is that I wasn't breathing in a "normal" way. My breathing was like these very quick short breathes, but not where anyone could look at me and notice. Hell, even I didn't notice I was doing it. I would just start to get light headed, kind of dizzy and felt like I was going to suffocate. In the end I would get a panic attack and tried to figure out what caused it. I just noticed the dizzy feeling, the suffocating feeling and didn't recognize that I was in fact hyperventilating.
It wasn't until many months later that I heard - read about breathing exercises that can and will relax me when feeling anxiety and / or panic. These breathing exercises are really just slowing down your breathing. Very deliberate slow breathing. Breath very slow in through the nose for a count of three. Hold it in for a count of 3 and then slowly exhale for the count of three. Count three again and start slowly breathing in again. Continue breathing in this matter for 10 times. It really does work.
Now...this breathing technique is not all that simple to the agoraphobic or one who is in a full blown panic attack or even an anxiety attack. It really takes a lot of focus which is hard to do when freaking out! I still can't get myself to focus on my breathing when in full on panic. However, practice makes a world of difference. Just practice breathing like this three or more times a day for about 10 minutes each time. I can't stress enough how important this is and to really force yourself to practice! Also, it is really important to start breathing slowly at the earliest moment you notice those anxiety / panicky feelings coming on. The sooner you start breathing slowly the better success you'll have.
Another thing to do while practicing the breathing technique is to maybe add some sort of calming visualization. Visualizing something that is comforting or calming is a great little part of the breathing practice that can really help out later on when anxiety in creeping in on you. I know that this is not some big discovery on my part. It is simply something I've read or heard about and gave it a try. I also know that some shrinks recommend that during these breathing practices that one should add making yourself real calm and then visualize something that will induce anxiety and / or panic and when you feel that anxiety to quickly (but calmly) go back to thinking about something calming and comforting while continuing to breath slowly in and out. I'll add that every now and then to my practices but for me it was really a matter of first getting the whole breathing slowly down pat before introducing the visual anxiety stuff.
By practicing my slow breathing for a solid 6 months of everyday practices I was able to drive 45 minutes away from my house. I did experience anxiety during this trip but ultimately I was able to handle it and felt such a huge sense of accomplishment when I got back home. It's truly a great feeling!!
So, quick fix panic relief...maybe not so quick but in the end it could make a huge difference in my recovery. All I can say is PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE! ! ! ! ! I cannot stress this enough. No matter how boring it is, no matter how tedious it is, no matter how useless you may think it is. It absolutely will help. Master this breathing technique and keep practicing even after you've master it. It truly will make all the difference in the world!
It wasn't until many months later that I heard - read about breathing exercises that can and will relax me when feeling anxiety and / or panic. These breathing exercises are really just slowing down your breathing. Very deliberate slow breathing. Breath very slow in through the nose for a count of three. Hold it in for a count of 3 and then slowly exhale for the count of three. Count three again and start slowly breathing in again. Continue breathing in this matter for 10 times. It really does work.
Now...this breathing technique is not all that simple to the agoraphobic or one who is in a full blown panic attack or even an anxiety attack. It really takes a lot of focus which is hard to do when freaking out! I still can't get myself to focus on my breathing when in full on panic. However, practice makes a world of difference. Just practice breathing like this three or more times a day for about 10 minutes each time. I can't stress enough how important this is and to really force yourself to practice! Also, it is really important to start breathing slowly at the earliest moment you notice those anxiety / panicky feelings coming on. The sooner you start breathing slowly the better success you'll have.
Another thing to do while practicing the breathing technique is to maybe add some sort of calming visualization. Visualizing something that is comforting or calming is a great little part of the breathing practice that can really help out later on when anxiety in creeping in on you. I know that this is not some big discovery on my part. It is simply something I've read or heard about and gave it a try. I also know that some shrinks recommend that during these breathing practices that one should add making yourself real calm and then visualize something that will induce anxiety and / or panic and when you feel that anxiety to quickly (but calmly) go back to thinking about something calming and comforting while continuing to breath slowly in and out. I'll add that every now and then to my practices but for me it was really a matter of first getting the whole breathing slowly down pat before introducing the visual anxiety stuff.
By practicing my slow breathing for a solid 6 months of everyday practices I was able to drive 45 minutes away from my house. I did experience anxiety during this trip but ultimately I was able to handle it and felt such a huge sense of accomplishment when I got back home. It's truly a great feeling!!
So, quick fix panic relief...maybe not so quick but in the end it could make a huge difference in my recovery. All I can say is PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE! ! ! ! ! I cannot stress this enough. No matter how boring it is, no matter how tedious it is, no matter how useless you may think it is. It absolutely will help. Master this breathing technique and keep practicing even after you've master it. It truly will make all the difference in the world!
Friday, January 7, 2011
Fear Not The Snow
So we're expecting a bit of snow tonight. I'm from up north and now live in the south where snow isn't a big problem. When I lived up north and hear that we were expecting a decent amount of snowfall, I terrible fear would come over me. I was afraid that if it snowed too much it would prevent help from getting to me or me getting to help. Don't know what terrible thing would happen to me that I would need help. It was just the thought of not being able to get help because of the bad road conditions. Irrational fear? Who me?
I've overcome that fear...almost. I still do get little pangs of fear but nothing like I use to. I really do hate the snow but no so much because of my fear of not getting help, but because I hate the cold and hate shoveling. I must say I do enjoy watching my dogs romp through the snow but that's about it.
I'm not sure how I overcame the fear of the whole snow thing...it just went away. I have so many other fears that I wish would just go away, but I guess that's not going to happen. So, I'll enjoy watching all my critters frolic in the snow and put my hate for the cold, fluffy, white stuff behind me. Focus on the postive, right?
So that's it for now.
I've overcome that fear...almost. I still do get little pangs of fear but nothing like I use to. I really do hate the snow but no so much because of my fear of not getting help, but because I hate the cold and hate shoveling. I must say I do enjoy watching my dogs romp through the snow but that's about it.
I'm not sure how I overcame the fear of the whole snow thing...it just went away. I have so many other fears that I wish would just go away, but I guess that's not going to happen. So, I'll enjoy watching all my critters frolic in the snow and put my hate for the cold, fluffy, white stuff behind me. Focus on the postive, right?
So that's it for now.
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