So where have I been for the last few days? Let's see....I'm agoraphobic....I've been HOME!!! Been reading...a lot! When it's cold out I tend to stay indoors most of the time. However, this is not the best thing for me. The more I do stuff outside the more motivated I get to venture out of my comfort zone. That is always a good thing.
I have been stressing the last few days about having to get my prescription for effexor renewed. I moved to NC from NJ alittle over a year ago. My NJ dr. gave me a prescription that lasted me all this time here in NC. I now must find a local dr. that will refill my meds. Seeing how I pretty much live out in the sticks, this will be no easy task for me.
It's not so much that I don't like going to see the drs. but it is stressful being in their office. I am a bit of a germaphobe. While at the drs. office, I will not touch anything I don't need to touch. I will not put my hands anywhere near my face during this time...no matter what!!! I will pace around the waiting room trying to burn off the insane amount of adrenaline rushing through my veins. I will become annoying to everyone around me and embarrassing to my daughter who will accompany me. I will apology over and over again for my behavior but continue to act in the same matter.
This is the norm for me. My old dr. back in NJ knew this about me and made sure that I was either the very first appointment or the very last in order to cut down on any wait time for me. Seeing how I've not established and new dr. in NC and I'm very low on cash, no insurance, I will need to use a clinic that is low cost or free. I will have to fill out dozens of forms and prove that I qualify for low cost or free treatment. These forms could be mailed to me but it's still going to be a long wait time just because I'm new. I'll have to go through the usual examines such as checking my blood pressure and temperature and listening to my heart rate and checking my height and weight. UGH!!!!!!!!! I totally understand this is common practice and it's also a must do for the clinic. The thought of spending all this time doing all these procedures is absolutely dreadful to me.
I must go! I must have my meds! The withdrawal from the meds is unbearable to say the least. Nightmares, panic attacks, non stop anxiety, hot flashes/cold flashes, nausea, dizzy, insomnia, repetitive negative thoughts, fainting and the list goes on and on. I must have my meds! You would think that just the thought of being without my meds would be enough to make me go and do what I need to so I can get them. Not the case. The stress of knowing how much I need them just gives me more anxiety which of course makes it harder to leave the house. I must go! Good ol' anticipatory anxiety at it's best.
What's the worst that could happen? Don't you love hearing that? PANIC ATTACK! OK, but you've had them before and your still alive, nothing terrible happened...right? WRONG! The panic attack happened, isn't that bad enough? Yes, I'm still alive but dying isn't what I'm afraid of...panic attacks are what I'm afraid of, so the worst that could happen is the panic attack. Why doesn't anyone understand that? People seem to think that there are worse things that can happen then a panic attack...like dying. Well, during a panic attack I wish for death...I welcome it...kill me now! Just because death seems worse to others doesn't mean it's what my mind feels during a panic attack. Yes, I know it's an irrational fear, doesn't make it any less fearful.
Fears are fears, different people fear different things. There are a lot of people who don't skydive. Not because they are afraid of heights, but jumping out of a plane is scary to some folks. Perhaps some of those skydivers would never go cave exploring...tight, closed in spaces that you have to crawl through not knowing for how long or where you'll end up is scary to them. Different people fear different things. Doesn't make their fear any less just because there are people who are not afraid of those same things. I need to repeat that just because a fear is irrational doesn't make it any less fearful.
So anyway, I will do my very best to get to the clinic and hopefully get a prescription for my meds. I will do more then just hope I make it, I will practice my slow deep breathing and try to visualize myself going to the clinic and successfully accomplishing my goal without having a panic attack.
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